31 May 2005

The not-so-golden years

One of the saddest things when you live in the Western world is the old people in it. Especially, NZ is a haven for golden oldies, as its much warmer than say UK or many other European countries. So the proportion of aged population is quite high here.

This is probably the reason for this post of mine. Yesterday, when I was driving back home after work, I saw a bent old woman (could be a man, can't be sure as he/she was so heavily bundled up to protect against the Southerlies) walking down. She was so bent by herself, and the two shopping bags she carried in her hand probably only added to the weight. I felt really saddened by that sight. Such an old person, still having to do everything herself.

Its a bad thing in the Western world, where everyone is so busy, they have hardly any time for even their own parents, however old and bent they may be. Give me the Indian system any day, I thought.

And then I thought again. The Indian system? The one in which, theoritically at least, the grown-up children took care of their parents? That may still exist, but only for the lucky parents. Or the rich parents.

And I thought again, of a certain old lady. Mrs S is now old and lives in India. She had many children and some of them are no more. Some live overseas and the remaining four live in India, but in different cities to Mrs S.

Till a few years ago, Mrs S and her husband (who is now no more) lived along with one of their daughters, whose husband was no more. The daughter, Mrs T, and her two children, who had lived with Mrs and Mr S for many years, were able to take care of the aged Mr S, till his death even, along with Mrs S, who was then not too old.

But as time passed, Mrs T's children grew up and went away to different cities and had families of their own. And so, Mrs T was torn between her mother (Mrs S) and her children. Even now, it is she who lives with and takes care of her mother. But it is at the cost of time with her children.

When things get too much for her, or when some of her siblings wash their hands off their mother, her cry is: Can I not even spend time freely with my two children. Everyone else is doing it. Is this asking for too much? How long do I have to bear this responsibility?

But her heart and conscience do not allow her to abandon the old Mrs S all alone. And her children support her decision to stay with her mother, although it is very hard on them not to be able to spend time with their only parent. For their grandmother's need is greater than theirs.

In a way, Mrs S is luckly. At least she has some family with her.

But I can still remember a place called Annai Illam that is near my mom's house in Chennai. So many old people, mostly women, living in that shabby place, and subsisting on charity. They are the victims of a daily tsunami that most people miss. Hence, there is no one doing much for them.

I have heard of other families, where the children have threatened their old parents, asking for their share of the family wealth.

So, is our Indian way or people really superior? In many cases, materialism and selfishness puts paid to an excellent theory of taking care of the old and ailing. Most of them are as busy and uncaring as their Western counterparts.

I wonder what others think. Do let me know. As for me, I can think only about the story of the tin bowl. (in my next post)

8 comments:

Shammi said...

Oy Scherezade - what's with the cryptic "story of the tin bowl"??? TELL it already!

Unknown said...

wow! this is similar to an incident i experienced when i went to my Mom's town... an old woman must be in her 90's... who once owned a Mahal and was always an independent woman who took care of everyone... now lies abandoned in a shabby place with cobwebs and rough walls... cant speak cant walk, cant move... her children send some 500 rupees each month to the servant woman who takes care of her... they dont enter the room she sleeps in coz it smells of urine... they visit her when they need her money... all the want of her is her property now! i cant forget the tears in my eyes when i met her...

Vivhyd said...

Hi 1st time here...Nice post!! Well, the situation is very dicey indeed for Mrs T.. is there any possibilty that both Mrs S and Mrs T get to stay with the children??
That would be - asking for too much isn't it?

I am in the US and it is the same situation here.. elderly left to be on their own.. only small amt in India is like this.. hopefully everyone wouldn't go this way..

Castor aka Kiwilax said...

Hi Lavannya,

That is a sad one, although, once again, not a new one. I too feel deeply for her. The Mrs S in post is so much better off in that aspect. At least, no one is pestering her yet for money (not yet) and she is still not totally alone.

Castor aka Kiwilax said...

Vivhyd, welcome to my blog and keep visiting often.
Yes, the solution that you have offered has been considered. In fact, Mrs T's son is very keen to have his grandmother and mother with him, but Mrs S, unfortunately, cannot move from where she lives, for two reasons.
The first one is her health. The second is her sentiment that she wants to die in the same house as her husband did.So looks like Mrs T's fate is to keep shuttling between her mother and children.
And I do hope you are right abt the percentage of Indians who do this.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lakhs

Your story brought tears to my soul. It was so touching. How do you solve this problem? I really really feel sorry for Mrs T and her children as well as Mrs S. Just hope that things work out for the family.
Lakshmi your writing is too good. There is so much depth in it. Very very moving. Gayathri

Anonymous said...

Why did you not stop and help the old lady/man. It is all nice making big statements in a blog. What is requried to change is to 'ACT'.

Castor aka Kiwilax said...

Hi Anonymous,

Thanks for visiting my blog, it would have been good had you given your name.
If you live, like I do, overseas, you would know then that you simply can't stop in the middle of the road. The nearest parking space was a five-minute drive away, which makes the possibility of physically helping the lady, impossible. Besides, I was rushing to pick up my daughter from school, so there would not have been the time to do so.

In my own way I do help, and I don't believe I need to advertise that fact. If I do, I am just a show-off. And hence, I don't judge others harshly too.