35 years ago
SGR: 30 June 1942 to 30 October 1973
It was the lightning that woke her up. At least that’s what she thought. She could hear the rain and see the lightning through the small window in the bedroom. As she closed her eyes again, and curled up all ready to go to sleep again, she saw her father coming into the bedroom. He was leaning on her mother and saying Muddiyalay, oru madhiri irukku (Very tired, feeling unwell/uncomfortable). She went right back to sleep the comfortable sleep of a four-year old.
Till she was woken up yet again. She was angry then. She didn’t want to get up. But somebody was asking her to, calling her name and patting her shoulder. She sleepily opened her eyes. How funny!!! It was still dark. And there were so many people in the bedroom. The auntie from the opposite flat. Some man who was rubbing Daddy’s feet – Daddy was lying still on the bed. And someone else too. And where was amma? She was standing near the bed and was she crying? Where was her little brother?
But before she could go to her amma, the auntie grabbed her hand and said, come on, let us go and sleep in my house. No, no, I don’t want to, she said. I want to be here with amma. But somehow, nobody seemed to be taking much notice of her – not even when she burst into tears.
She didn’t remember where or how she slept in that auntie’s house that night. Nor did she remember what happened the next few days except for a few stray incidents. Lots and lots of people in her house, thatha, patti, mamas, mamis, periappas, chittis etc. The whole gamut of relatives and lots of other people she did not know.
Lots of men chanting and her father lying in balcony of their home. And horrors, someone cutting away his shirt. Actually cutting it. She ran forward, asking them to stop, but again, she was shushed, albeit gently. Didn’t they understand that they were ruining her Daddy’s shirt?
She also remembered a whole group of people going away from home, some of them carrying her father on their shoulders. And she was angry that her brother got to go out with them and she wasn’t allowed. She wanted to badger her amma till she was allowed to go with them. But she was told that she couldn’t,and once again her mini-tantrum was ignored.
As days passed, she simply accepted the fact that they were now living in Mylapore, with her thatha and patti, instead of in Ashok Nagar. She accepted that she had a new school and a new life. She accepted that her mother had to go to ‘office’ now daily. As children do.
Things went on as per normal.
Being a child, she also accepted the gradual realisation that came to her – that she would never see her Daddy again.
This is what I can remember about the night my life and my family’s life changed forever. Sometimes I wonder how I can remember it so clearly when I can barely remember anything of my life before that day…
8 comments:
really really moving post Laks... beautiful. can't even imagine what it would have felt like. and hats off to your mum (a million times over) for managing what she did.
V: thanks. s, it was hardest on her, as me and bro hardly even knew him well enough to miss him. Hats off to my mom and my thathta patti who did such a great job.
Papji, my eyes were wet when I finished reading the post. Even after so many years, it feels terrible. My mother has told me about how periamma had to collect herself so quickly and start working, how thatha-paati did eveything to make things stable, how both of you were so young when it happened, how life just changed suddenly. You have all been very strong.
It is when I think of your family and my atthai's family that I feel so angry when I hear about divorces and such in western countries etc. Can you imagine how unfair it is to kids who are raised by 1 parent, especially when the circumstances are man-made?
Growing up with something so terrible happening initially is very tough, and I know the whole family is very proud of how you and Satish turned out.
-Vidya
Vid: I did not realise how much this post would affect others, esply family. When I was writing it, I was concentrating more on only my memories and not my feelings now, but only the feelings of a 4-year-old which is what I was then. I have had many other other comments/emails saying how moving the post was and how it brought tears to people's eyes.
Everything happens for a reason!
Yes, people do what they do, but often, it is for all the wrong reasons. I pity children in single-parent families where they have no support, such as we had from thatha patti.
Very touching post Lakshmi. Your mom especially, would have gone through much more than anyone can even imagine. I am getting reminded of how Shyam, her mother, sis and brother had to go through similar hardship.
- maya mami
Maya M: Thanks. Yes, my mom has gone through a lot and emerged stronger. We can never forget all the guidance and love we got from my grandparents also.
I remember the day Shyam's dad passed away even today, when we were in college. It ws Oct 29, I think.
Laks, I'm in tears. Hugs. I wish I could actually hug you now. And your mum and grandparents as well.
Inba: Thanks for the hugs. As you can see, we've had a long long to get used to it.
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